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Thursday, 10 May 2012

Emotional Rollercoaster

This entry was written sporadically over a few weeks, some with feelings fresh, and others just as a recap.

PART 1: SAN DIEGO
Apr. 20-25 -- Time-off from work to spend five days in San Diego with Vincent, as he was presenting his research at the 2012 Experimental Biology Conference. Highlights: The AMAZING San Diego Zoo, the hilariously fancy four-star hotel we stayed at (For instance, we had a kaleidoscope and a giant chalkboard in our room!), the EB Conference presentations and vendors (Read: Free stuff!), and crazy walking adventures...

PART 2: ABBY
April 25th -- I came home around 3 in the afternoon with exciting stories, free pens, etc. My mom and I were about to pick up Jackson from school and then snag some late lunch, but first I was going to feed Abby some lunch. My mom called her inside. That's when we first noticed Abby was acting extremely strange. She could hardly get in through the doggy door, and her back legs looked weak and almost crossed. She was panting heavily. She didn't want her food. She didn't want to drink water... I literally held the bowl of food at her face, and she just stood there.

I told my mom to go ahead and immediately started Googling. I kept getting the same thing: "See a vet." "Go see a vet ASAP." I tried and tried again to offer Abby food or water dripping from my hand. I started freaking out and called Vincent, only to hang up part way through our conversation. My mom could tell that I wanted to take Abby immediately to the vet but was somehow extremely against it, or at least not making it easy. "Whatever, I need to study!" Denial? (I understand she's been undergoing a lot of grief, with one of her close ex-coworkers recently dead from cancer and another dying of heart/lung/brain cancer... And to top it off we're pretty broke, and vet bills are notoriously huge...) Vincent arrived at our doorstep, saw Abby's physical state and also proposed/urged going to the vet. After some texts with Leti, confirming that we should "See a vet," finally I felt my mom knew that this was really happening. 5 or 6PM Vincent, Sara and I took Abby to the vet.

Fever of 104. Most likely a spinal/neurological disorder needing immediate attention. X-rays, antibiotics, IV fluids, blood tests needed ASAP. Abby was so tired and sick, she didn't fight to leave the office... Even her vet was shocked, saying that Abby seemed like a completely different dog from when he saw her a month ago.

Left for Target to do some other stuff in the meantime. Like clockwork the sky grew dark and it started raining strongly.

Came back to the vet an hour later to see Abby's condition -- this time my mom, Vincent and me. It was worse than expected, which was already pretty bad. X-rays revealed a huge mass at Abby's spleen (an organ that filters blood) had been pushing her stomach and intestines way up in Abby's ribcage, and it seemed as though a sudden rupture had caused internal bleeding and infection.

Stayed up late at night -- me on the couch, my mom on the recliner -- to keep an eye on Abby. She tried to drink water at least, but I could tell it hurt. We put food in front of her again (McDonalds chicken nugget pieces, dog kibble, strawberry pieces), but obviously no... Natalie was convinced she touched the strawberry, and that just pissed me off.

April 26th -- 6a.m. Abby went outside, did her business, and 6:45a.m Sara and Jackson said their goodbyes to Abby. 8a.m. my mom, dad and I lifted Abby with a blanket into the car; My dad said goodbye to Abby, and my mom and I took her to the vet. 2p.m. my mom and I went to stay by Abby's side, waited for Natalie to come. I left at 3:45. At 4 in the afternoon, Abby was euthanized. Just like that.

Everything after that felt so empty. Over the course of a little over 24 hours, a big hole had been ripped in our lives.

I'm feeling more at peace with her death right now, but I'm off and on.

PART 3: MOVING ON, sort of...
Same day still-- I left at 3:45 because I had an unofficial phone interview at 5, for which I had not prepared. It went well, all things considered. "Well" in that (a) The professor I was speaking with REMEMBERED me, even though I'd only been to his official office hours, like, once; (b) I didn't break down and cry my brains out; (c) While he had already allocated his funding, he seemed impressed with my work and sincerely interested in working with me... interested enough to give me names of people to contact and asking to be copied in emails to try and work something out.

A day or so later -- I was offered "conditional acceptance" into UCD's Soils & Biogeochemistry Graduate Group, with the conditions being (a) I find a professor to financially advise me for an M.S. program with a thesis, or (b) I take on a non-thesis M.S. option. I know I should be grateful for this opportunity, and I am, but it would've been nicer if I didn't wind up even further drowning in debt...

We've all be expressing our grief in different ways. Some more annoying than others at times, but yes...

PART 4: GOOD NEWS!
Good News #1: I had a wonderful birthday weekend.
May 5th-- Did a creek cleanup with work (Starbucks was sponsoring the event, and so I got free coffee, chips & a T-shirt). Then had a lovely time away from people, went to SF with Vincent to explore, watch the sunset, and take pictures of the big, crazy bright moon. Apparently this small, pretty, abandoned beach we found was a nude beach (I discovered this upon some online searching), haha. Then went home, watched a recorded episode of Legend of Korra (!!!!!!), watched the moon again at midnight with my family, and opened presents.

May 6th-- Mass in the morning, and then had a two-hour walk down in the park with Vincent & Sara. Then had a good time with Catherine, Wakana, Peter, Vincent, and Sara (representing Ha) in the evening. Finally got that journal thing I've been keeping my eyes on (gracias a W)!! Ate at a new restaurant called Pacific Catch (Fancy and yummies, if you have monies! = Erin's new poetry style). Had ice cream cake en mi casa, and then left with Sara & Vincent with the intent of seeing "The Avengers" at 10:30PM. With all the other guests gone, however, Vincent & I realized we had no real energy. We also found out Sara should've been studying for her AP test! So, rather than be a fun sister we turned around and decided to reschedule for AFTER her AP test. 'Twas good, more of Sara & Jackson's thing, but still very entertaining. I do like me my Captain America.

Good News #2: I have been offered full funding (tuition + living expenses) to complete an MS research project & thesis!! With a super good soil/nutrient-cycling lab!! I accepted, of course!

Good News #3: I have an awesome apartment secured for the fall! With Krathy Prannathri (Names have been changed for anonymity )
...Now to figure out what the deal is with summer soil sampling & to find someone subleasing in the summer...
...And to find a way to wrap up my work with WVCWP...

PART 4.5: SICK! Literally.
I think my immune system was just waiting until everything had been settled. Abby's sickness/death/ashes, Grad school, Funding, Living situation, Big work project completed (Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention, I experienced my first audit for one of our cities at work. If anything I put together was found to be "out of compliance" with certain regulations, then the CA State Water Quality Control Board will charge our city thousands of dollars for every day since two years ago that our city was out of compliance. Fun stuff.). So I guess everything's settled, and now my throat, nose, eyes, sweat glands, and sinuses are having an out-of-control teenage party.
We presented at my old elementary school's first after-school Science Fair/Event. I did one presentation, and my coworker did two. My nose/throat/voice couldn't take more than one. BUT it was cute, the kids got really into the presentation. As my coworkers and I were leaving, one of the girls we passed said, "I recognize you! I know you from church! You play music!" And I said, yes that's right, I play drums. And then the girl's friend chimes in, "I really want to play drums! But my parents told me, if I want to, then I have to buy it myself. So I just put it on my Christmas list." LOL.

Good times. Anyway. Probably should sleep.

Because sleep is good for you.

Monday, 16 April 2012

Writing About My Day

I woke up at a good hour this morning with the intentions of getting to work two hours early. But my dull vision and stiff back were telling me, "Yeah, good luck with that." So instead I ate a little somethin'-somethin' and climbed back into the top bunk. That's right, I am a university graduate and I sleep in a bunk bed in my parents' house. When I woke up the second time, everything was 200x better. Colors looked more vivid and hopeful, and my body was telling me, "Thank you, Erin." And then I said, "You're welcome, Erin's body," by hopping off to work for 9 hours, hunched over behind a computer screen.

My coworker was telling me how bad gluten and processed foods are for your body again. All this talking about food made me hungry, and so I "nuked" (old-people speak for "microwaved") some "home-made", boxed frozen lasagna. Mmmm delicioso!

Vincent called me later in the afternoon to discuss dinner/vacation plans, and so I took off on my usual ten-minute walk so as not to disturb my coworker. The weather was gorgeous! There's good ol' California, being itself.

On the rag, but I feel pretty good, mentally. Probably all that sunshine.

It's my cousin Matt's 21st birthday. Natalie & Dennis are taking him to a speakeasy-themed bar downtown, and so that should be fun. I'm still deciding if I should go... Matt's a good guy, but he's definitely a drinker. He's at least twice my size, and that might be dangerous as well. Recently my mom said that she's afraid of me driving downtown, because I tend to get lost and drive poorly. She doesn't want me hurting myself; it helps that there's a Catholic bishop who lives in that area, as well. Brownie points for God for saving a bishop.

Here is the random, hidden Youtube girl who inspired me to learn, "A Bird Without Wings" on guitar.

I like how her videos are simple, how her voice is soothing, and how the only effect she seems to use is an acoustic hall sound. I also like how she totally Gabriela y Rodrigo-rized "Crank Dad Soulja Boy" -- her fingers are a blur!

...Yes, I'm tired. That means I'm sleeping!

Tomorrow 7:30AM I will be sorting trash caught in stormdrains. But making dough!

PS: I'm trying to sell my trumpet for extra cash. $125. Someone from Craigslist sent me an offer, "Would you accept my violin and $30?" That's how I can tell it's a musician and not a spammer, haha. The sad thing is, I'm tempted...

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Bizarre Birdy Walker Chicken

Watched "Howl's Moving Castle" with English dubs last night at Vincent's house (Cashing in on his free one month trial of Netflix). LMAO CHRISTIAN BALE is the voice of Howl!
As usual in these types of movies, the scenery was GORGEOUS, dark gooeyness=evil, and the storyline was bizarre yet fantastic.

Earlier this morning I was watching youtube videos of Bon Iver (There was a mention of him in the news, and I wanted to find out who he was). Through following a trail of his songs, I ended up finding a really pretty cover of one of his songs. Birdy is the name of the artist, and she looks super young and sounds like a softer version of Adele! It's nice to hear a young singer-piano player who isn't singing cop-out party songs.

And, because I don't want to end on a completely sad song that doesn't match my mood, here is my latest romantic country song, "Fall" by Clay Walker:

I was going to bike to work today, but I'm feeling too chicken looking at the sky. Plus, I don't want to work there longer than necessary and need a quick escape. Tomorrow is my dad's somethingth birthday, and so I should also get him a present somewhere between all this. Happy Saturday!

Saturday, 04 February 2012

An Introvert's Role in Society
This entry is a personal reflection on TIME Magazine's recent cover article, "The Upside of Being an Introvert (and Why Extroverts are Overrated)" by Bryan Walsh.

The full online article is only available to subscribers, and so here's the gist:
Walsh feels introverts are unfairly discriminated against -- even forced to fake extroverted behavior -- in an extrovert-geared society. Studies show that many introverted behaviors may help build successful leaders, thinkers, and innovators.
- Intro to the article here.
- Snippet related to the article here [There's a reference to a study with babies who experienced different stimuli such as popping balloons and stinky smells. The babies who didn't react grew up to be more extroverted people, while the babies who cried/screamed and expressed sensitivity grew up to be more introverted...FYI I was and still am a big cry-baby].
- Introvert-Extrovert spectrum quiz here.
- List of great introverts & extroverts here [Introverts include President Obama (not shown online), Mother Theresa, and Gandhi].
Since Walsh reveals his introverted biases at the beginning, let me divulge my introverted-"ambivert" tendencies. I enjoy being friendly and welcoming to strangers, but I can't stand too much small talk. I want to get other people's opinions on my assignment drafts, and yet I don't like anyone to see my work-in-progress. I love to present my work, but I need to practice over and over -- yes, sometimes in a closet or in front of a mirror -- to keep from stuttering and freaking out.

The article hit some good points regarding the strengths of introverted behavior. Introverts enjoy being alone, and so they are more able to sit down, focus, and finish a task well. Musicians with the discipline to practice in solitude are more likely to become successful, paid performers . Introverts are good listeners and observers and thus are more likely to foresee & survive hard times. The ability to self-reflect and think before acting may lead introverts to do better in relationships and not cheat on their significant other. What I thought was most interesting was the aforementioned study done on babies, suggesting that introversion/extroversion may be inherited, and that we've evolved to have different levels of sensitivity (both introverts and extroverts have a place in society).

But I didn't agree with some of Walsh's personal opinions.
- "Introvert" = quiet and shy person. But not. One thing that bothered me most was, admittedly, on the more petty side: Walsh kept switching his definition of introvert! Pick one and stick with it, dawg! At the beginning, he explicitly states that introverted =/= shy but that shyness may be an extreme, crippling form of introversion. Introvert = likes to be alone. Introvert = quiet and rarely talks. Introvert = prefers to be alone or in small groups. By the end, introvert = shy. Whatever. I'd call myself a loud person who prefers to be alone or in small groups.
- It's still an extrovert's world. Debatable. Extroverts might just be more noticeable in Walsh's line of work, as journalism involves a significant amount of communication. One could argue that it's an introvert's world, as the introverts are the ones who are able to successfully finish tasks, become seasoned artists, predict & dodge financial crises, and build successful, rewarding relationships . In addition, if you're an extreme extrovert whose happiness depends on your being surrounded by lots of people, then you're setting yourself up for failure.
- It's cruel to force introverts to speak up and participate in a classroom setting when it is against an introvert's nature to do such things. Call me mean, but I think you're just doing a disservice to kids if you always let them stay in their happy, comfy place. First of all, there are plenty of party-loving extroverts who similarly are afraid to speak up in class, because it's in their nature to act according to what's socially "cool" and acceptable. Secondly, if you are afraid to the point of extreme social anxiety, then you can always talk to the school and make arrangements to reasonably address your personal educational concerns. Ask questions after class, if in-class in front of your peers is too nerve-wracking; Make videos instead of doing face-to-face presentations; be creative... Lastly, in the real world, you're going to have to participate/communicate, like it or not. Even if it's just to say, "I'd like to order a sandwich with no pickles, please."
  
  Just as kids are expected to break out of their comfort zones and learn to execute math problems beyond 2+2, read books with unfamiliar words, and use scrawny, disproportionate arms to do push-ups, classroom participation should be no exception.
People always complain about the way schools and work environments are set up. It's too hard. It's too easy. They don't 100% cater to our special personalities. You know what, all you Goldilocks-students & workers? If you don't like it, get out of this house and make your own damn porridge! Hahaha, sorry (not really ) --- WHAT I MEAN TO SAY is that it sounds to me like The Man is "unfairly" expecting children to gain long-term self-confidence by exposing them to short-term discomfort via a variety of personal and interpersonal scenarios. Once you have certain, basic skill sets, you DO have a choice in the career/life you lead. Personally, I think introverts have the upper-hand in a public school/work setting, because they have (1) the discipline to sit down and study/churn-out reports and (2) the ability to listen and properly interpret an assignment, even if said assignment involves group dynamics or public speaking.

On the whole, definitely an interesting article that gets you thinking. It's important to recognize the strengths that both extroverts and introverts have to offer to the table. Undoubtedly the role of the introvert in society is to balance out the extrovert... but with what? Thoughtful reflection, diligent work ethic, and a good, cautious kind of sensitivity, to say the least. Maybe the extrovert gets people together and gets things moving, but the introvert keeps things moving in an honorable direction.

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Currently
Better: A Surgeon's Notes on Performance
By Atul Gawande
see related
It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over

JOKES
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye-deer! (No idea)

Q: What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
A: Still no eye deer!

Q: What kind of animal steals bath soap?
A: A robber ducky!

GOALS FOR 2012
-Take more classes. Comedy 101, Math, Car Maintenance, O-Chem... Things you need to know. Probably just math for now.
-Surf. After living my entire life close to the coast, I have never surfed. I am deathly afraid of the ocean and the creatures below that will eat me, but for some reason I feel called to get over this fear and at least attempt to surf once.
-Either start grad school or start a "real" job (one that makes enough money to be semi-independent)
-Get closer to God/the universe/etc.

NEWS THAT CAUGHT MY EYE
-Hostages freed from pirates
-Etta James' death

PERSONAL NEWS
-I submitted my grad school applications! BU (Earth Sciences), Stanford (Environment & Resources), UCSC (Earth Sciences), and UCD (Soils & Biogeochemistry). But I'm not quite-finished with this. Still there are faculty to contact and things to work out, but the main application + letters of recommendation + essays + writing samples + fellowship applications are D-O-N-E. Stanford sent me an email saying they moved my application to be considered for the Civil Engineering program instead, which I found interesting, since I have little math experience...
-I had a disgusting cold the past couple of weeks, potentially related to the application stress. I don't know why I'm constantly sick. Anyway, today I was well enough to go bike riding with my dad, and tomorrow I shall go on a lovely stroll to catch-up with mis amigas!
-My internship is rewarding but certainly taking its toll on me. My job is to update Urban Runoff Management Plans for four cities, and these plans always need changing due to constantly evolving scientific/pollution control understanding and thus new state/regional requirements. So when I finish sections of my project, they're not really finished. It's a little unsatisfying to not see a definitive "success" after much blood, sweat, and tears, but it's a realization that I think everyone needs to come to terms with.
-I dug through people's trash. Legally, I promise. I subcontracted for two days with an environmental consulting company to sort through trash that was caught in these trash-capture devices placed in certain storm drains (This work was separate from my internship but still related). Lots of leaves, and lots of cigarettes and miscellaneous plastics. Apparently, in previous trash-sorting events, employees found a carefully concealed knife and a wallet with credit cards under multiple identities!! Contrary to popular belief, out of sight =/= not there.
-Finally I finished a book! "Better" - a surgeon's personal & historical reflection on self-improvement and the role of medicine, of any profession, in a larger context. Vincent loaned the book to me months ago, and yet two days ago my bookmark was less than a third of the way in. My excuses: (1) I was busy, and (2) I grew disinterested and couldn't bring myself to get past the financial and medical-specific references. However, for whatever reason, I picked it up Friday night and almost couldn't put it down. I was done by Saturday afternoon. I recommend it to anybody. The author covers crazy medical achievements, failures, and quandaries of the past and present:
--> Polio eradication attempts in India
--> Mobile/preventive care in war-zones
--> $, patients, quality life and incurable diseases
--> Birthing issues
--> Doctor/Nurse participation in the death penalty
--> Skillful innovation amongst limited material means
--------- I disagree with a few of his opinions, but I like how he approaches issues through factual numbers as well as through historical and personal testimonies. Very insightful.

It's a shame to have such an awesome entry with such an anticlimactic ending, and yet here we are.
I'm sleeeeeeeeeeeeeepy! Tough cookies.